Blue through Grey

Don’t give up

Don’t give in

Keep on fighting you will win

Hold me close

Look through my eyes

I am your blue through the grey

9 years ago, when I was facing my darkest times when I was diagnosed with an incurable genetic illness ( in mans eyes) when they told me also were my babies carrying this gene. God spoke these words to my heart.

9 years on, I look at the journey and I look at the trials and the pain, and the tears. I look at the highs and the lows, I look at the good and the bad. I wonder how my family is still standing, how they are still smiling, how in the face of things many families have never even witnessed we are still standing, still fighting. Still wanting to go another day for Jesus.

This week as we faced another moment to crumble another situation that wouldn’t solve itself over night but was another massive life change, I watched as my kids and I had moments of wobbles, moments of tears. Moments if we are honest of ” Let’s go back to Egypt” as the Israelites complained. It was easier before ministry began, we were “normal”

The brightness in the sky seemed to be unseen this week. Persecution is never easy, but when it keeps coming relentless you feel like a wounded soldier ready for respite and even to give over our stripes, and hand in your beret. Yet still we stand, yet still we will rise ! Yet still we will praise you Jesus, yet still we will……

For by my God I can mount a wall.

Praying for us to stay strong

Jai x

A page from my Prayer journal;

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I know that you are with me.

You are an awesome God who heals and restores.

Great be your name, you reach down and take my hand.

Guiding me.

Guarding me.

All the way.

Your voice rings out in power.

You are the lord that stops for the one.

You are the lord who lifts up those who fall.

Never have you left me.

Never do you fail.

For you are near me.

Watching over me.

The entire of my life.

You sustain me.

You lift me up.

Making me to fly again.

Great is your faithfulness oh Lord.

Great is your reign.

The Lord God of love and power.

Who never leaves his Daughter.

Love the Flower girl 💐🌸🌼🌸🌹

Never alone

 

Is it possible to feel alone, 

Even when you know you have been found. 

When you know you are held, 

But feel so confused. 

You have read the book, 

You know the victory is your’s. 

His kingdom has come. 

He has already won. 

Yet it hurts when It happens. 

You don’t stop to breath. 

It’s like a star has fallen. 

Like you can’t fly higher. 

But the end of things, 

Ever known to man, 

It’s a story written from beginning to end.

Time Is in his hands.

A moment in the beginning. 

A instant set in place. 

From the beginning of age, 

He created me, 

Chose me. 

Destined me. 

 

He knows my thoughts. 

The tears that fall from my eyes. 

He sees It all. 

He hears my cry. 

He’s a good good father, 

The one who chose me for his plan. 

He has held my hand, 

Helped me to stand. 

My life hasn’t been picture book. 

It’s been an adventure.

Where there are hills to climb, 

And valleys to walk through. 

I don’t understand it. 

I cannot put it into words. 

But for the truth on the matter. 

This I can say.

Though the storms have been hard. 

The sea has been rough. 

The tears have fallen. 

I’ve often thought, 

That’s enough.

 

But he has been there. 

The anchor in my storm .

The one who has saved me. 

Named me. 

Chosen me for his own. 

Throughout the darkness. 

Throughout the pain. 

Your light has illuminated the shadows. 

It’s brought my garden back to life. 

Been through so much. 

You would think I should break. 

Not strong enough to withstand the storm. 

Not another day. 

But rather, 

On the contrary. 

I get stronger every day. 

For you see 

Through Christ I own the victory. 

My strength is not my own. 

Not that of a self made man. 

It’s the never ending. 

Never wavering. 

Forever there.

Hope.

It fills me.

Brings me to my knees in prayer. 

It fills my night, 

It stirs my heart in the day. 

It’s the reason I’m still standing. 

The knowledge that No matter what. 

He has won the day. 

He is my victor. 

The crown of my victory. 

For the creator and father. 

Never leaves his daughter. 

 

 

Love Flower girl

Another musical written

Thank you Jesus that’s all I have to say today. Epic academy this afternoon still on the road at 10:31 on way home from serving Jesus ! Another musical down and ready to go…… God you are faithful even though the last few months have been crazy and the last month I have felt a huge attack on my body with many moments of tears and pain intolerable levels. The power of communion, two nights ago broke the back of a week of agony… doctors diagnosis do not stand in the face my Jesus !

Today I was with those I love and those God has given me such a love for in a few short months laughing my socks off with Shellie Bakewell … ( you know who you are 🥰) Thank you Jesus for your family!!!

Today as I looked at a room of young people dancing and singing for you Father I knew at that moment that this is all I ever want to do ….. cities or towns, field or traffic, Jesus this is not my life, I surrender and lay it down …. do with it as you will, for in your Presence in your will is total safety !

Let it be ….. let the Prodigal musical arise !

Here we go again South and North July is coming up !!!

Stay strong

Jai x

When it means growing up

I know it’s been a while since I last posted but a lots been happening!

Hey a girls got to find time to sleep am I right 😂

That’s not to say that I don’t sleep, I actually quite like my 10:30/11:00 bed time and 7ish wake up time. Anyway off subject, I decided to make a post today for all you Teenage girls who are growing up so rapidly you start having those “I remember doing that when I was younger,” moments.

In fact I had one today.

I was at a friends house for dinner and in one of the rooms is a small under stairs cupboard, I was looking at it when I remembered with great fondness how my friends and I along with two of my brothers used to play sardines and hide and seek for hours in that house hiding in that cupboard with my friend while waiting for my brother to find us.

I looked back on myself today and realised how much I’ve grown up, I often wonder when did it change?

When did I first notice the change?

Was it when I was able to relate to the older girls in my life who I had adored my entire childhood and who where like the big sisters I never had?

Was it when they came to me with a problem or the need for prayer?

Was it when I noticed that I had chosen to pick up my bible and read that midway through a car trip instead of grabbing my kindle and reading the next cheater of the thrilling book I had?

Or maybe it was when my little brother proudly announced at the table, “I want to sit next to Ari!” My heart almost burst then. It was my turn to be the favourite sibling, in his entire five years I’ve seen my little brother idolising my brothers, and yes they are worth it. But today it was my turn, when he called “No Oscar, I want to play with Ari,” I had reached it. That point in my life when I realised I hadn’t messed up at being a big sister, when I hadn’t missed my chance at being there to see him grow and enjoy playing hide and seek with him (even if his legs and bottom stuck out half way from under the table when he hid and the dog came and deliberately laid down next to each and everyone of my hiding places🙄puppys😍😂)

We all have moments when it means you have to grow up, focus on what is really important in your life, invest in those healthy friendships and strength the bond of the family God has blessed you with.

I’m still young, I’m still learning, God is still knocking off the rough edges that make me respond all to quickly with a sharp comment to someone.

I’ve often stood in front of the mirror looking at myself and thinking “What is special about me? I can’t play music like my brothers, I’m not extremely talented at singing or amazing at baking. I can’t fix a technical issue at the flick of my wrist. ”

Its hard sometimes to not feel like the quiet good girl who fades into the background, but then I realised something.

How dull would it be if I was just like my brothers in every way?

There would be no one to fuss over her second youngest brother when he try’s to go out with his shirt collar turned up, or to advise her older brother on the right card to get his girl friend, no one to have the puppy give away her hiding places by laying almost on top of her head and looking up as if to say “she’s here!” No one to organise their books, or mix ketchup with roast chicken.

No, I don’t think that I would want to be like my brothers or anyone else for that matter. Not because they ain’t awesome, they are!

But because I’m learning to finally feel comfortable in my own skin. I’m noticing it myself as my character defines and the way I react or don’t react changes, the way I handle a situation now that from how I would.

I am still not good at expressing my feelings in words, and one day I hope to break that. But right now, right here, I am happy to be me. I’ve grown up, and I know it. I don’t run and hide when something scares me anymore instead I turn towards the arms of my Heavenly Father where I find the peace my restless heart so needs to keep its self cool.

Because of who I am and what position I hold in the ministry I have felt The pain of being hurt and used many times just so people can get what they want. I closed myself off, not letting my emotions show so I wouldn’t get hurt. If there is one thing I don’t like it’s pity.

Call me proud, but no. I’ll take genuine affection and the sorrow of a friend who feels the pain, but I don’t take half hearted pity that holds no real value.

Over the years though I have gotten the two mixed up, but as you grow not just in age but in the lord you learn that love, real love hurts.

There is a song I love called alive,

Some of the words in it go,

” who would choose to wear a crown that bleeds and scars, just to win my heart.

Who would let his heart be broken every time. Just so I could heal mine.”

Jesus loves us to the point death, he chose to lay down himself so we could heal.

When Jesus asks us to lay down our lives for others it doesn’t mean become a door mat.

It means, ‘Selflessly lay down your wants and your desires to meet the needs of those you love.’

My mum once told me that I love much so I will hurt much.

No it was not right what they did to me, but I chose to help them through that time, it wasn’t right what they did using me. But despite them throwing my friendship and love back in my face I would go through it all again just to know I was there able to help them through that one moment in their life when they needed someone just to say, it will be okay.

Out of everything, when I come to that decision in my life. To let go of past and pain and love again to help and reach out again. To forgive and take the risk again. I know what it means to grow, not just to grow up but to grow in the lord.

Love the flower girl ❤️

Crumbs under the covers at 1am

So in my last I shared the value of the fast the benefit to the soul.

Yet it wouldn’t be fair to omit the laughter that this has brought in copious amounts of a fellow sister following the fast too. For I believe that even the Lord loves to hear the banter of His kids as they do something of benefit yes, but produces some dying to self.

Like one of those moments when your 5 year old walks into a conservatory glass door because it is so well polished and you want to run and cuddle and do, but the chuckles come too as he’s not really hurt and you know it. That is what I believe Daddy was doing at 1am as we bantered.

Who would have thought hay would be so yummy ! Irony is we see so many farms here and all I can see is my breakfast, sitting in my bowl with almond milk surrounding it. The joy when my son proclaims with yet another vegan meal “This is actually getting better… what I mean is your getting better at making these taste good ” I reply with ” erm… maybe you should stop digging darling” the hole was getting larger !

At 12.05 am when your phone pings and your awake coz your body decided 8:30pm was a good time for a nap and now you are awake ! Hangry – yes not hungry … and your in bed not sleeping … your husband is next to you. You look at the phone having swopped pictures of recipes you could try and then get into a banter about what to eat at 12.30am.

“oh Have you tried the Bakewell tart nakd ?”

Just wait before you switch off the blog .. I wasn’t being rude ! The only sweet thing to eat is Nakd bars , and I had found the above flavour, however on what’s app I suddenly realised that sounded obscurity and I could sense her eyebrows raising … thank goodness the 🤣 emoji was the next thing to ping ! Phew, defriending avoided !

The conversation continued ” Get something to eat , haven’t you got anymore cardboard or polystyrene in the house?”

Laughing out loud I stirred my husband that was asleep next to me, clearly had filled up on hay and oat milk before he slept, he awakens ” What’s so funny?” Me hilariously creasing up with laughter.

As I go onto share how hungry I am, he goes kindly to the kitchen to get my all time favourite ( all right tolerable ) cardboard with wallpaper glue on ….( aka) almond butter. Is it just me or does it take everyone about 10 minutes to scrape this substance off the roof of your mouth ! I used to love this stuff, but the combo of this and cardboard and I have to say you can still be finding bits hidden in your under lip even after a good electric tooth brush session and a cup of coffee ( strike that through) I mean water !!! I was half tempted to get the jet wash from downstairs and use it as a mouthwash the other day after my third sitting of this delicious delicacy. Yummy.

So when these arrived at my bedside my stomach was saying, “don’t care just feed me” so down they went ( slowly ) and with a few stops in the gullet to line, I mean stick to the sides ! Chomping away, I suddenly realised why last night in my beautiful four poster respite bed I hadn’t slept !

Hmm, combo of 5 year old leg and elbow in my eye and rib cage and what I dreamt was wood shavings chafing my skin all night !

Soon it dawned on me, my delightful bed time vice has spread its way into my bed sheets and the cardboard was now coming back at night to scratch me ! Darn you Ryvita!

How can one get so desperate when the conversation amidst belly laughing and trying not to wake my hosts, our children or move too much so as not to Chaff my skin or get it stuck going down. As it changed to the desperation of checking out our dogs biscuits…. for contraband ingredients , discussing how we could dunk them!!

God is good all the time and even out of painful flesh crucifying has come the most fun of times, in text and in shops.

People look at you very weirdly as your husbands pries your fingers off the galaxy bars like a toddler and says ” No…. don’t look you know your not allowed” and you go kicking and screaming ( not really) from the chocolate aisle.

Even that didn’t work in my mind, or my unfortunate knowledge of Nutrition from my study years …. why did I ever study and have knowledge ! Ignorance is bliss right ?

In all the fun and heart warming banter, I have learnt some serious things. Like, how much fun it is too cook ! I’m joking! I do cook, but having to take time to make things from my head!! That has been both stretching and exciting as I pop on a podcast to build my spirit, chop up another sweet potato and blend vegetables to hide them in sauces ( sorry kids ) !!

As the children tuck into a PIZZA 🍕!!! Yes I said Pizza, you know that yummy, yeasty breaddie, warm, squishy cheesy delight, I will praise the Lord for my cardboard and glue …. now where is that pressure washer

Stay strong and Hoover the bed sheets !

Jai xx

Chasing Fathers heart comes at a price.

So, we are having a well needed respite break, in Beautiful countryside in a beautiful place, beautiful cheese shops beautiful ice cream places, fudge shops. Beautiful people that allowed the love of God to shine through them, by allowing Christian workers like us to have respite, time away….. to breathe, in their beautiful house that we are staying in

All these things are beautiful and really yummy and yet this time we are walking past the rustle of the wax papered cheese, the fudge in delicate ribbon wrap and the ice cream that melts in the mouth. For we are seeking something more beautiful – His presence.

As the new year began, our amazing new home church announced a Daniel Fast, as a church, for 21 days. A period of time to seek God and to be more in tune with His presence. Even the kids are involved.

In this blog post I will share the majesty of His presence, the value… in the next… the light hearted banter of friends being vegan and chatting on text at 12:30 am, it really is not right to mix the two!

As the days go on, God has been showing me to run to Him first, that without distractions of sugar and craving I needed to run to Him more anyway ! But His presence is something that sugar and dairy will never replace, that I have missed Him, I have side stepped from His love when all daddy wanted was to draw close to His girl and the busyness of life had made me miss His calls some days.

But here in the now, in the place of no distractions to food, I hear my flesh scream as I chose life, to crucify my flesh when it wants to play up, that I turn my face to Daddy, that I turn my heart to His word.

This is my first looong fast and I can say, I have never felt such benefit of being close.

When my husband and I sat to get an answer from the Lord and an identical sentence came through to both of us, tears welled up! How easy it is to Hear Daddy, He’s always been speaking clear.

But like a radio trying to tune into a station, the distortions from other electrical frequencies and stations come through. It’s not until you move yourself to another place a silent spot, down the distractions and listen you here the station clear.

Daddy forgive me for distractions and thank you for leading me into this place where I can die to me and live for you

Stay strong

Jai x