I know it’s been a while since I last posted but a lots been happening!
Hey a girls got to find time to sleep am I right 😂
That’s not to say that I don’t sleep, I actually quite like my 10:30/11:00 bed time and 7ish wake up time. Anyway off subject, I decided to make a post today for all you Teenage girls who are growing up so rapidly you start having those “I remember doing that when I was younger,” moments.
In fact I had one today.
I was at a friends house for dinner and in one of the rooms is a small under stairs cupboard, I was looking at it when I remembered with great fondness how my friends and I along with two of my brothers used to play sardines and hide and seek for hours in that house hiding in that cupboard with my friend while waiting for my brother to find us.
I looked back on myself today and realised how much I’ve grown up, I often wonder when did it change?
When did I first notice the change?
Was it when I was able to relate to the older girls in my life who I had adored my entire childhood and who where like the big sisters I never had?
Was it when they came to me with a problem or the need for prayer?
Was it when I noticed that I had chosen to pick up my bible and read that midway through a car trip instead of grabbing my kindle and reading the next cheater of the thrilling book I had?
Or maybe it was when my little brother proudly announced at the table, “I want to sit next to Ari!” My heart almost burst then. It was my turn to be the favourite sibling, in his entire five years I’ve seen my little brother idolising my brothers, and yes they are worth it. But today it was my turn, when he called “No Oscar, I want to play with Ari,” I had reached it. That point in my life when I realised I hadn’t messed up at being a big sister, when I hadn’t missed my chance at being there to see him grow and enjoy playing hide and seek with him (even if his legs and bottom stuck out half way from under the table when he hid and the dog came and deliberately laid down next to each and everyone of my hiding places🙄puppys😍😂)
We all have moments when it means you have to grow up, focus on what is really important in your life, invest in those healthy friendships and strength the bond of the family God has blessed you with.
I’m still young, I’m still learning, God is still knocking off the rough edges that make me respond all to quickly with a sharp comment to someone.
I’ve often stood in front of the mirror looking at myself and thinking “What is special about me? I can’t play music like my brothers, I’m not extremely talented at singing or amazing at baking. I can’t fix a technical issue at the flick of my wrist. ”
Its hard sometimes to not feel like the quiet good girl who fades into the background, but then I realised something.
How dull would it be if I was just like my brothers in every way?
There would be no one to fuss over her second youngest brother when he try’s to go out with his shirt collar turned up, or to advise her older brother on the right card to get his girl friend, no one to have the puppy give away her hiding places by laying almost on top of her head and looking up as if to say “she’s here!” No one to organise their books, or mix ketchup with roast chicken.
No, I don’t think that I would want to be like my brothers or anyone else for that matter. Not because they ain’t awesome, they are!
But because I’m learning to finally feel comfortable in my own skin. I’m noticing it myself as my character defines and the way I react or don’t react changes, the way I handle a situation now that from how I would.
I am still not good at expressing my feelings in words, and one day I hope to break that. But right now, right here, I am happy to be me. I’ve grown up, and I know it. I don’t run and hide when something scares me anymore instead I turn towards the arms of my Heavenly Father where I find the peace my restless heart so needs to keep its self cool.
Because of who I am and what position I hold in the ministry I have felt The pain of being hurt and used many times just so people can get what they want. I closed myself off, not letting my emotions show so I wouldn’t get hurt. If there is one thing I don’t like it’s pity.
Call me proud, but no. I’ll take genuine affection and the sorrow of a friend who feels the pain, but I don’t take half hearted pity that holds no real value.
Over the years though I have gotten the two mixed up, but as you grow not just in age but in the lord you learn that love, real love hurts.
There is a song I love called alive,
Some of the words in it go,
” who would choose to wear a crown that bleeds and scars, just to win my heart.
Who would let his heart be broken every time. Just so I could heal mine.”
Jesus loves us to the point death, he chose to lay down himself so we could heal.
When Jesus asks us to lay down our lives for others it doesn’t mean become a door mat.
It means, ‘Selflessly lay down your wants and your desires to meet the needs of those you love.’
My mum once told me that I love much so I will hurt much.
No it was not right what they did to me, but I chose to help them through that time, it wasn’t right what they did using me. But despite them throwing my friendship and love back in my face I would go through it all again just to know I was there able to help them through that one moment in their life when they needed someone just to say, it will be okay.
Out of everything, when I come to that decision in my life. To let go of past and pain and love again to help and reach out again. To forgive and take the risk again. I know what it means to grow, not just to grow up but to grow in the lord.
Love the flower girl ❤️